You have GOT to be kidding me!!!!

I just have to put this out there- because I don't know who else to tell it to that would totally understand besides you, my classmates!!

A tiny bit of background info: I have had arthritis since I was 5 in my legs and feet. I do real well with it for the most part. Had 4 joints in my had replaced and one fused.

About a week ago my foot started to hurt on the outside midway between heel and inner end of toe. It was pretty bad by the end of a day of running around on it on cement floors to where I wasn't moving too fast at all. By Sat I had been off it all day, so it felt pretty good when I was out pacing talking to my son on the phone when all of a sudden it bent funny, excruciating pain and I gasped at which time my son says- didn't get your foot looked at yet? I said no, and he asked what I was waiting for, and then proceeded to tell me he would talk to me when I got it looked at and gets off phone. I tell my daughter that, and she agrees with him- BLACKMAIL!!! It worked of course. Off I go to the Urgent Care Center and doctor bends squeezes and pretty much else, none of which hurt. I stand up and OUCH!! So he ordered x-rays.  When the tech tells me- "I am not allowed to tell you anything" I know he saw something. When the doctor comes in and says to me- "come out here and look at these x rays with me", I am really sure. I was thinking maybe stress fracture or pulled muscle. So we look at the top one which he proclaims to be a "little odd", the one from the outside which is also a "little odd" and the the one from the inside angle. He says- see this bone here? I said yes, and he points to an area a little ahead and he says- "it's not there". So, I go- where is it? Well, my fellow classmates- that is the 64$ question!!! Where is the bone????? Clearly not the empty black spot!! Well, at least I know why my foot hurts when I put weight on it. Now, I am waiting to see a specialist/surgeon this week.  oh for joy. 

Shockingly enough aside from being slowed down cause it hurts, I am ok, even with the possibel scenarios he painted for me. This is nuts though, that's for sure... And that is how I ended my week

susan

Universal Loving Kindness and other things

First, I want to say that this week is so much better than last~ the cat is still so-so with the litter box, but I have decided to try and pay more attention to him and if that doesn't work~ have him taxidermed and just place him where I want him. Just kidding of course, but I can think it though.
My daughter has managed to get a sinus infection, a throat infection and something with her ears- leave it to her to do it well, but she is going on vacation Monday for the week, so she and her husband and little girl will have a much needed break. When they come back, it will be in time for her fortieth birthday/Madigans first ballet recital on the first!! I can't wait and am so excited. My friend who is a floral designer and I (I used to be, but am allergic to flowers) are going to create something awesome in pinks for her! I am pretty much sure that I will end up in tears- Ame was in HER first dance recital at 5 on the same stage.

So, now to the weeks' issue at hand..... me, who can remember my drivers license number, license plate, social security and bonus card numbers couldn't remember the words to repeat for anything! I tried it to the point of frustration a few different times and then gave up! Did anyone else have that problem?

The Integral Assessment was another thing. I already know that my Biological Flourishing is on the back burner until school is done later in the year. I am trying to eat better, but I also know that wiht all the nutrition that I have learned growing up and all that has been taught in my classes, that I need to not only try to do better but really DO better. I am still not eating enough. My thyroid levels have crashed for an unknown reason, and we are still working on getting them where they need to be. I have started adding meditation/mindful reflection to my life and although I love it, I am still not doing it every day. Physically I know I am not doing enough, but haven't found what it is that I am willing to do.
The area that I believe I have made the most progress in is psychospiritually. I have always had a deep faith, but it has been made even stronger and I find that I am wanting to do what I can to help others lead better healthier lives.
Interpersonally I am moving along... I have never had any problem doing and wanting to freely for my children and now my grandchildren, but my sister is another issue. She is a fount of negativity and censures anything I do or want. If I date out of my race, and I have, that is wrong and against GOD, when I want back to school, it was stupid and ridiculous for someone my age- I will owe lots of money and never get a job. Meanwhile she is having a relationship with a man who married someone else while she was seeing him, but that is ok. I find that a bit more difficult to be be supportive of, even though I believe it is not my job to judge her or anyone else- it is between her and her CREATOR. Even though I have been much more accepting of others, I am not out there doing anything in my community at this time. Work is enough to deal with. Which takes me to Worldly Flourishing. To be honest, I know I am doing much better with this one. Although the company has slashed hours leaving me no time to get everything expected (by me and by management) done, and as a result deprived my customers of the customer service they are used to from me, I am not letting the job get to me as I had. Everything was taken peronally, but I am working hard to take it for what it is. People trying to do their jobs the best they know how.

A bad day or week is just that. In my 62 years, 8 months, 4 days and 14 hours a bad day or week is nothing. They will be forgotten just as bad YEARS have been.  I remember what was good, not the bad. I read something once, but don't know where and I have it posted in my kitchen:
       
                              Yesterday is history
                              Tomorrow is a mystery
                              Today is a Gift............
                              That's why they call it the PRESENT.
susan

The Subtle Mind

To start, let me say that I have had kind of week that a lot of you have already been through. It must have been my turn on the rotation! You know how it is- tight work schedule, hours cut, lost piece of breadmaker that moves the dough, cat won't use litter box, not enough time in general- you know, normal week! Thankfully it isn't really. Very rarely am I in tears of frustration, but this morning was one of those days. When  I sat down on the floor on my cushion to attempt to listen to this weeks'  "journey" through the mind, I wasn't expecting much- boy was I surprised!

To my shock, I was able to "fall" right into this one. I was able to empty my mind and get some control over what was flowing through it. I did; however, have some trouble stepping back and observing the thoughts that went through. Every time I focused again on the breath, my mind emptied. Don't know where I learned that one, but I can do it with ease. One visualization that kept popping up was the eyes of a tiger. I only saw the eyes, but I know for sure that that is what it was. No explanation for that one at all. But I did find it much easier to follow than the Loving-kindness one of last week that was more directed first on ourselves, then on others and then back. I was totally relaxed with this one, and was amazed at how much time had passed. To prove to myself how relaxed I was, when the cat came up and rubbed on me, I about jumped out of my skin!

Having a strong faith I don't see how there could be a disconnect for me between body and spirit and to that end, since the body and mind are intricately connected they must then all be ME! In my personal life, what I find is that when I am in touch with my spiritual me my mental me is more positive in the thoughts that flow through, and when they both are in sync my physical me feels so much better. I experience the peace, calmness and serenity that are becoming a major part of my life. The tense, agitated, anxious me is no longer the one who is constantly present. If I am not overly fond of that one, I am assuming, correctly I am sure, that no one else wants to deal with that one all the time either. s

Me and the Mental Workout

Before this class, I would have thought that a mental workout was getting through the day in one piece, and living to face another. Now, I am learning that it is so much more. Instead of just trying to make it through a day, it is more taming the mind to control the constant activity that goes on in it and turning inward to open our hearts and consciousness to progess towards psychospiritual flourishing. It is changing from selfish to selfless; from all about "me" to about others. It is learning that in giving you receive so much in return. It is about health of mind, spirit and body.
There are two contemplative practices that we have learned about: loving kindness and subtle mind. I have been working on the guided exercise that is part of the unit for this week, and have found it to be more helpful to me reading in the book and doing than listening to the words- while I love listening, I am afraid that I get too distracted that way. With loving-kindness our minds are so much calmer and open to others. The subtle mind teaches us according to Dacher that wisdom comes from taming and training out mind, accessing its deeper levels and exploring the essential nature of mind and experience (p. 65).
Proven benefits are awareness and experiences of the mind and its many levels and capacities, a new knowledge of who we really are, a development of our unique selves as well as the qualities needed for spiritual flourishing and health, happiness and wholeness.
I can begin to implement mental workouts by taking time each and every day to begin practicing loving-kindness through reading and doing or listening to the assignment in doc sharing. I do know that at first, it will not be easy for me, and it hasn't been, but unlike many physical work out programs that I have started, I don't want this to be one that I quit. Although it is difficult some days to find the time to do it twice a day, by starting out with 15 minute increments, it has been much easier. I do find that I still have to rein in my thoughts as they start to pop up and try and take over, but I am sure in time it will get easier, and as I begin to see the benefits start to come my way, I am sure that I will be not wanting to give it up. For me also, this is something that I think will be beneficial as I age to keep my mind healthy and limber. I want to be able to work in this field as long as I can, and a healthy mind is necessary. Have a wonderful evening all. s.

mp3 and Loving Kindness

Ah.....I must be in a better "frame" this week! Although the cat is again snoring (there seems to be a pattern in this) I was able to focus and center myself. The first one was correct in that your mind could wander and need to be brought back- mine could and did pretty often at first. I attributed that to a thunder storm, but then realized that I just wasn't focusing. Once I heard the indian flutes in the background, I had it. It was refreshing and relaxing but invigorating at the same time.

Loving Kindness was a really good exercise. At first, I wasn't able to put myself  "there" but the more I focused, the better it went. I did notice that I was having trouble with the part where you take in the suffering and hurt and sent out wholeness and happiness. To do that, I visualized these nasty little "creatures" with bandages and evil looks and that sort of thing, and to go out, they were smiling and happy along with hearts and flowers. This may not be quite the way to do it, but it helped me get the feeling of taking in one thing and sending something else out. I wish I could draw a little sketch of my little "creatures" I can see them clearly. Again the indian flutes in the background helped me. Any time I hear them, I am right where I need to be.

I want to say that while it wasn't really difficult to follow, it will definitely take some practice to make it feel like it is a part of me. I don't know that your average person will want to or be interested in this, but for someone who wants to delve deep inside of themselves, it would be something that I would recommend. You just have to take your time, if you don't have meditative experience and let  yourself go. If it doesn't work the first time, relax and try it again later in the day. s

Crime of the Century

Well, I have to say this- the cat fell asleep within the first few minutes of listening to this meditation and is still snoring! Me, not so much. I don't think I was in the right mind-set, and will need to try it again. I am too into watchin the kaleidescope of colors and hate to turn them off. Then I started to think- why isn't the green on the bottom because that should be where the "roots" are, and why isn't the heart area red- it makes me feel all warm and loving. And then he said aqua and it drove me nuts. Ok, I come from New Jersey originally and when I first came to PA long ago, I sounded like I had a Brooklyn accent. Most of it is gone, but there are still a few words that hang on- dawg for dog, amond for almond and surely ak-wa for aqua.  I hit that and I was so done! Like I said, I wasn't in the correct mind-frame, and wasn't able to relax from the words, but the colors sure do mermerize me!
Will be trying this again for sure, and I think I will lay with the cat this time! s.

How do I really feel.... and what can I do about it?..... from here on out...

Here is the truth on how I feel about where I am at right now... work and personal (school) schedule as they are... even knowing that they will be changing soon.. but not soon enough!

Physical well-being- Right now, today, I can only give myself a "5". I'm not getting nearly enough sleep, and not only am not eating as I know I should be right now, but am not eating enough. There doesn't seem to be a specific reason for why I am at this place right now; just know that I am. I am also not getting enough activity beside what I do at work. Except for a bit of gardening, I am just so tired, it's not getting done.
Goals are to eat more of the good things that I love but instead of more volume at once which I have an aversion to, but more frequent small meals. Similarly a different and better way to move has to open itself up to me. The same old same old, just doesn't do it. After a day of climbing and lifting this 62 year old body is tired. Yet, on the other hand, that "nervous" energy is still there as the remnant fro work, and the urge to move it there.
The first order of business is to get through my thyroid level "crash". For whatever reason, the levels are still not where they should be. That should rev up my totally stalled metabolism giving me more energy and "zest".
To achieve my goals for physical well-being, the first thing to do is prepare my meals at home, and remember to take them with me and not leave it on the kitchen counter. Then take those few minutes every few hours to eat something- should help with appetite and stop mindles munching. To be more active I need to "schedule" myself some time to get outside and garden, mow the lawn or go walking and check out the neighbors gardens. In addition, get my dvd player hooked up and borrow some dvd's and try out different ways to move.

Spiritual well-being- Right now, today, I give myself a "7". It would have been an "8" had I not fallen asleep after the overnight and made it down to church. Am feeling pretty positive about the direction I am moving in, even though there are things I question right now. I believe that there are some things that I am not going to be able to have answers for.
Goals include listening to what my "inner self" is really telling me, think about my responses, and take control of my actions.
To that end, I am practicing "what would you do "if"" and reviewing in my mind how I have reacted to the stresses of work and daily life, whether good stress or bad. I am also working on taking out minimum 15 minutes per day of quiet and silent time- no radio, tv, nothing. I have started on my own to de-clutter my life, not just doing to "do".

Psychological well-being- Right now, today, I give myself an "8". It may not be an "8" tomorrow, but I am close most of the time anymore. It's been hard trying to make sense of things going on in my life (because of the effect they have on my children and their children).
My goal is to accept those things that are going to happen whether I worry needlessly about them or not, and to do what I can to assist others to cope with them. Right now, it is the serious illness (cancer) of my childrens' father. I can't make him well, but I can do what I can to accept what is happening to him, and be a source of comfort for my children and granddaughter. My therapist told me just last week, that he believes that I have found my "calling" and to here him tell me that, was so important to me. He said in all the years he has known me, he has never heard me speak so passionately about anything.
To achieve my goals, I am doing what seems to be a "answer to everything" for me- go out and garden. When my hands are in the soil, the balance of life shows itself, and I realize that I don't have the power to control anything but my own actions. To that end, doing that, will not only give me a more positive life, but will reflect outwards. s.